Friends, How many of us have them? Friends, Ones We Can Depend On. Friends, Before We Go Any Further Lets Be Friends....

I am sure this post will either bother or upset some people, but to be honest I created this blog so that I could just speak my mind and with no intent on it becoming a public blog. So if it upsets you then you probably should be upset at yourself and not me for just stating the obvious. Also for the two or three people that actually have read my blog, I am going to try and write at least once a week now so it wont be these huge long droughts between entrys.

So tomorrow is my birthday and it really got me thinking about a subject that has been bugging me for about two years now. I have always had a really close group of small friends that I grew up with. We went through high school together and did everything together. I liked it this way, I am not the type of person to try and be a social butterfly, I would much rather have a few close friends that I spend the majority of my time with. The other thing is I am extremely loyal and put my family and friends before just about everything. Unfortunately right before I moved to Provo two years ago we all started to go our seperate ways. That tight knit friendship that I was so accustomed to was falling apart and I was really bothered by it, the worst part was that it seemed that most of my friends could really care less and were fine putting all their time into school, job, or their girlfriend. At the time I didn't say much because I figured that it was just a phase and that our friendship was strong enough that in the end it would smooth itself out. But here I am two years later wondering how I got to this place.

This is what I don't understand. It seems that people feel when they get married, or even get into a serious relationship for that matter, that their friendships have to either take a serious back seat or become non-existent until they break up again or their friends get married. So why can't you make time for both? I can't think of a serious relationship I have had (except when I was 16 and it was my first real girlfriend) where I ever felt I put the relationship I had with my friends in jeopardy. To me my relationships with the people I care about is what I feel really matters in this life. I mean in the end who cares what job you have, or how much school you went to if you run away everyone that ever cared about you. I am just so tired of feeling like I am the only one that cares whether or not I see these people more than a few times a year, if that. And it does bother me a little that in the time I have been here, no one has once offered to come see me, and I am always expected to come to Salt Lake and schedule around my friends plans when I do, and if I get lucky it just might work out that they will have time to see me. But if it meant that I would have to drive to Salt Lake so that we could have a normal friendship, then I would do it.

I do have to say I am very lucky, in that I have my uncle Enoch who even though he is the most busy person I know, still makes time to talk with me at least 3 times a week and I get to spend time with him at least once every two weeks. I don't think he knows how much he does for me, and everyone else in our family for that matter. He is the corner stone that keeps everyone together. And I know he goes out of his way a lot of the time to make it happen, so thank you Enoch... I would go insane without having you close by. And of course my youngest brother Ethan, even though most of our texts just consist of sports debates or who can name the rap song from the fewest amount of lyrics (which Ethan always wins.) It still is nice to have someone that actually wants to hang out with you instead of having to fight for their friendship.

I am just tired of going to these weddings and feeling like I am never going to see them again. And the worst part is, I can tell some care more than others, which really bothers me after everything we went through together. I mean some of these guys saved my life, they were there through the worst parts of my Epilepsy, and helped me through every mistake I made. Now I am just supposed to say "Oh that's how life goes, so long, see ya when I see ya?!" I get that when you are married things change, but it doesn't have to be like this. I guess there isn't too much of a point to this, except to let out two years of frustration and express my distain for the social norm it seems of what happens when you start school and get married. I guess that we were close enough to sit around talking until 4 a.m., or for you to save my life, or for the 10 years we spent as friends but as soon as a girl comes around, or you start school, or I move 60 miles that isn't enough to sustain our friendship. Maybe my friendships weren't what I thought they were.

Claudia

There is so much I could say about my mom, but I know that she would just want me to let her know how I feel about her. There are very few people in my life that I can talk to about anything and can always count on. My mother is one of those people, I look at a lot of kids my age and see the relationship they have with their parents and I feel very blessed to be as close as I am to mine. There are so many of my friends that can barely stand a phone conversation with their parents let alone confiding their deepest worries and problems with them. That is the one unique thing about my mom is that she knows when to be a mom and when to be a friend. She always tells me what it is that I am needing to hear at that moment, no matter what the subject.It isn't always what I want to hear, but if I have a tough decision to make or am feeling torn about something I know she will always let me know whats best for me. I think the quality that sets her apart from all other parents I know is that no matter what I have done she has never judged me. I have done things that I know if it were my child, I would have a hard time keeping the same loving relationship with them. But not for one second have I felt anything but acceptance and and honest love from her. So many children today are scarred from the side affects of parents abandoning them emotionally because of mistakes, and yes my parents and I have had our fair share of disagreements, but I have never felt that they didn't love me or looked down on me for what I did. I just wanted to start this out by saying how thankful I am to have a mother that has these qualities and gives them openly to all her children.

When I was younger my mom was very involved with whatever I was doing. She was the mom at the soccer game that was always screaming my name whenever I came within 5 yards of the ball. Normally that wouldn't be so bad because everyone else has their mom yelling too, but being that mine happened to be a former "University of Texas Longhorn Love" (basically drill team and dance company put together.) You always knew when it was Claudia. I used to HATE when she would do this, but looking back on the fact it means a lot now that she would put so much effort into being a part of my life. Growing up she was an aerobics instructor at a gym downtown called Deseret Gym. It was owned by the church and was where the

 Conference Center now stands. During the summer I didn't have much to do so I would go and watch her teach water aerobics and regular aerobics. I remember making fun of how easy it looked, so one day my mom told me to work out with the class. This was when I was playing soccer for a comp. team and was in my best shape, needless to say I have never been so sore. I gained a new respect for my mother that day. She taught classes 3 to 4 times a week sometimes more, and was raising 4 kids. Yet she still found a way to be there for me. 

During my teen years things got rough for both of us. I developed my Epilepsy around 12 and it changed everything for me. I became very bitter and cynical. I also became very frustrated with school work because I was switching medication frequently and I was having a hard time concentrating, of course she took it upon herself to get me through math and high school. But things only got harder mentally for me and the Epilepsy worsened, and being the first child and my parents being human. Neither of us was really ready to handle dealing with me nearly failing school as well as trying to get through my teen years with Epilepsy thrown into the mix. An Epilepsy that on top of everything, wouldn't turn up on any tests or show any triggers which added to the frustration. So from 16-19 my relationship with my parents disentegrated, when I should have been relying on them I turned to work and my girlfriend to get away from everything. Now there is a lot that happened in those 3 or 4 years that could have ended the relationship I have with my parents completely, and it almost did. But this blog isn't about that. It's about the strength of one person to ask for forgiveness from their child. I know everyone out there knows someone or has seen 10 movies about the stubborness of 2 people and how it can tear a family apart. I am one of the few people that can say my mother came to me and acknowledged what she did wrong instead of holding on to what I had done for the sake of saving our relationship. And what is so amazing is that it wasn't her fault. You can't give a young mother a stubborn teenage boy, throw Epilepsy into the mix, give her the responsibilty of taking care of 3 other kids, a full time job, and keeping a home and expect her to know how to handle that. My mom felt that she didn't handle my "situation" the right way, but if you ask me there is no right way. I look back on it now and I can't think of anyone I would rather have to help me through that. She took me to every appointment, found every specialist, and paid for every test for the past 11 years. That is doing everything you can, I made the choice to act like a punk and not try and work through things with my parents. I know you aren't supposed to switch to first person from third, but I want to speak directly to my mother for the remainder of this blog. You are the reason I am alive today, you are the reason I graduated high school, and most important the reason our family is as strong as it is.

Because of you we have a relationship today I never could have imagined having. And all I can say to you is thank you. I don't know many parents that care enough to go through as much as you did with me and still treat me with just as much love as if I had never done anything wrong in my life. It really makes it so I feel that no matter what, at least I have you and dad there to fall back on. I hope you know the amazing woman and mother you have become. You are the foundation of our family. Just these last few years I have really appreciated the person you are and the example you have become to me. You should be proud of the job you did with all of us, because I am proud that you are my mom. No one is perfect and you and I both know that, but you can't try and hold yourself to a higher standard for how you raised me. Sean told me that as long as all of us graduated high school and didn't end up in jail or with a kid he would be happy with the results. Now I am sure there was a bit of sarcasm to that, but what I am saying is that no childhood is perfect but I turned out better than I ever could have hoped. I am self sufficient, starting school in the fall, have a drivers license, and am seizure free! And most important of all my relationship with you and dad grows stronger every day. You need to be able to look back on what happened with us and realize it was a catalyst to all of this. I wouldn't have anyone else as a mother, I am grateful for you everyday when I think of all the trials you got me through. If I could say one thing to my siblings: Appreciate the time you have at home and take what you can from mom and dad. I realize they have stupid rules sometimes (no radio in the bathroom... seriously!) But in the end they make them because they are trying to help you. And to a certain someone who is going through a particular "stubborn" phase, the more you argue and fight the worse it will get. You need to appreciate mom, she does SO MUCH for you. You know I love you more than anything and so does mom, she just doesn't always know how to get through to you. But be patient. Mom, I love you and everything you do for me and our family is priceless, if it weren't for you I literally would be brain dead and probably living in a Chrysalis home right now. Thank you for giving me a chance at having a normal life... I love you... Happy Mothers Day

Your eternally grateful son- Christopher Joseph

Bildo

I have never had a hard time writing about anything. That was what I loved about my creative writing class in high school, we would be assigned random subjects and be expected to write personal views on whatever it may have been. For one of the first times in my life I find myself struggling on how to start when writing about my father, I think because there are so many angles I could take with it. Whenever I write anything on this blog it is always from the heart, never just to inform people what is going on with my life (not that there is anything wrong with that.) So I want whatever I say about my dad to really mean something to him and me, while at the same time being completely honest.

I am a pretty sporty/active type of person, I love taking part in anything physical, and I love trying new sports and new activities all the time. My dad is more the type of guy that is content watching a classic movie or playing a competitive game of hearts or canasta. So growing up it was kind of difficult for me to get really involved with my dad being that I was so into sports at the time (mainly soccer) and he had never been that type of kid growing up, so it was a little more difficult for him to relate or I guess really get into what I was doing the way some dads do. So needless to say being that it started when I was 8 years old I had a hard time with the fact that my dad wasn't the "let's go play catch son" type of father, and for a long time I took that as he didn't really put effort into spending time with me.

Well once I got a little older i learned a little more about my dads family dynamic growing up, which until this point was pretty much unknown to me being that I had seen my real grandfather maybe 4 times growing up until I was 16, and I didn't really know why. After a little prying and coaxing I got enough out of my dad to understand that he never had any kind of relationship with his father, and so he never really knew how to have that kind of relationship with me. Things really came into perspective for me after that, about the way my dad treated me and the efforts he made to have a relationship with me. Anyone that knew me from about 15 to 19 (my mom will argue the ages) knows I was a little smart ass punk to my parents, and it kind of created a rift between us for awhile and changed the way we acted towards each other. Through everything that happened during that time though my dad always tried his hardest to keep things normal between himself and I while at the same time parenting me the best way he knew how. And I have to say even now it has meant a lot that he never just gave up on me or ignored me like a lot of parents would do to a child who was acting the way I was.

Over the past few years I have come to greatly respect my father and appreciate the things he has done for me, even if I still have a hard time showing it. But I think slowly things get better and better between us every time I see him. I couldn't have asked more of him when it came to my Epilepsy. He has worked hard every day of his life to make sure that every child in our family has always had proper medical care and I know I have taken advantage of that more than anyone else in the family but it has meant more to me than he will ever know. For me to know that no matter what kind of procedure needed to be done to me, or if I needed to be rushed to the hospital, because of my dad I would be able to receive the care I needed. For me it took so much fear away from the Epilepsy and brought me so much reassurance that I could get through whatever I needed to. I also over the past few years have realized my dad has always tried to build a relationship in the ways he knows how. Whether it was getting out of work to make it to all my soccer games, even if he didn't know what was going on, or taking us kids to see everything from Les Miserables to buying me amazing seats to see The Police for my birthday. Or any of the numerous family vacations that are always planned from what places we will visit to every restaurant we eat at so the family doesn't have to worry about anything.

I know I don't express it enough and I am going to start to more, but I really do look up to my dad and appreciate all the little ways he has tried to be a part of my life. And I know us kids can give him a hard time, some more than others (Ethan!) But I hope as my brothers mature they realize what I have come to realize about our father, and that is that he has been selfless for our family for the past 22 years. You wont see the Jag he has always wanted parked out front, or the nice house in the avenues, or even the amazing surround sound system that a sound engineer should have (I mean really dad?... come on! Tax write off!) But you will see a family that has never wanted for anything. Kids with all straight teeth thanks to 4-5 years each with braces for Michael and I, and Ethan is in the middle of it now. A daughter who is attending BYU Hawaii thanks to help from him, and a son who will be at UVU and has had his rent paid who knows how many times thanks to both my parents. Every child in our family getting to pursue whatever interest they desire, whether it be sports, music, or art. And I know I will never be out there watching you dunk over Ethan, but you still get out there and try which makes all the difference. I love you dad and always will. I couldn't ask for a better father, I just hope that I can live my life the right way so I deserve to call myself your son and you can look at me one day and be proud of what I have accomplished, because it would be a waste of everything if I didn't take advantage of my surgery you gave me and this second chance at life. I have made a lot of mistakes when it comes to you and mom but it is never too late to change things and I promised myself after watching what happened with you and your dad I would never let our relationship fall apart and I never will. I love you and I hope you had a great fathers day.

Kapikachu

I can still remember the first time I saw Monica, I was in the leasing office of Parkway sitting on the couch waiting for the line to die down, and in she walked. To be honest I am not sure what exactly it was about her that drew me in, I do remember right off noticing her bright brown eyes, and that ear to ear smile that she busts out whenever she is being cute, or excited about something. Anyone who knows Monica knows she is not the shy one when around her friends, and she was with two girls today and I think it was her laugh that kept slipping out every so often that really drew me in.

The funny thing is Monica wouldn't even know who I was for close to a year after this, not that it was her fault. I am kind of a "people watcher" and she was always surrounded by guys or friends when I would see her which held me back from ever approaching her. I also thought a girl this beautiful and socially exclusive wouldn't be interested in someone that was a little more socially reclusive from things going on in Orem. Well ward co-ed basketball started up and I started playing cause my roommates talked me into it, sure enough Monica was there too. We had about four games and not a word had been exchanged between us, even though every game I kept thinking of ways to make conversation since I really didn't know that much about her. Well around the fifth game I remember making some off balance shot where I ended up on my back (smooth I know.) Anyway I remember Monica yelling "way to go," then leaning over to our friend Chris to ask my name, sad right.So after that I was kind of thinking it might be time to find a different interest cause this girl had all kinds of guys around her and I am not exactly the type to fight for attention if someone doesn't even know my name ya know? Well turns out her younger sister, who also lived in the same apartment complex was having a birthday and I got invited over with my new roommate Todd. Monica was there, but like every other time didn't say a word to me. Now before I go much further I have to explain this was when I had long hair, there is nothing wrong with my long hair it just isn't exactly my most "G.Q." look, think more Shirley Temple. So you can't really blame Monica for looking through me. Anyway somehow everyone decided to go have a dance party in the parking lot of Wal-Mart and they needed to look legit, so of course we raided my closet. And that is when Monica finally talked to me, I was leaving to go get more jersey's and Monica turned toward me and asked "Can I use your Vick one?" That was it, and she went back to frosting Leah's cake. I had been used for my clothes, and of course right then I had to leave for work so she took my jersey and I lost my chance to talk to her.
Well a few days later she posted something on her facebook about being bothered by something, and being the "best friend" to every girl I know I wrote her and told her if she ever needed to talk or anything I was always there, real cute right? So the show "America's Best Dance Crew" had just started and I invited her and a bunch of friends over, when she came over I sat next to her and gave her a massage and was back in my element where I could just open up and just be me. Well after that we started talking a lot and hanging out every night I didn't work and talking about dating, but Monica wasn't sure I was what she wanted as a boyfriend (funny how that ended up working out.)

So finally one night we just had one of those "tell all" nights where we totally opened up about our pasts and feelings and everything. Halfway through I got up to get a drink and when I came back she was lying on our couch facing the opposite way and I leaned over her and said something extremely lame I am sure, then gave her a "Spiderman Kiss," like when one person is facing one way and the other is facing the other. After that we have basically been together 24/7.

Now the whole reason I wrote this wasn't just to tell you about how we met, but who to tell you who Monica is to me. When I met Monica she had been broken down, mistreated, and abuse by past boyfriends. And I could see how it had affected her. I knew there was a lot of support she needed, there was so much potential there if she only would let the right people help her. And even after three months it is amazing to look at how happy she is with herself and life in general, the confidence she has in herself and how she is finally starting to see what an amazing person she is and why I fell in love with her. Monica has an amazing ability of being able to see the best in people, with me at least she has shown me so many ways I can be a better person, and the man I am capable of being. Everyday I wake up I want to be a better person because of her influence, she is a constant reminder that it is never too late to change those things in your life that hold you back or keep you from achieving more. She still doesn't see it but she is the most amazing girlfriend I have ever had, she looks past my sarcasm and how stubborn I can be to show me the person I am capable of being. And I never have met anyone that has been so supportive and understanding with my Epilepsy beside my family. She treats it as if it is something she herself struggles with (which drives me nuts.) But for the first time in my life I don't feel alone with this anymore, which is something I never thought would change. I mean we have had our arguments and things we have had to work through, but in the end it has only made our relationship stronger.

I just wish she could know how incredible she truly is, and how she has completely changed the way I look at life (in a good way.) I honestly can't imagine my life without her and I hope I never have to. If I spend the rest of my life making her happy and helping her to realize the amazing individual that she is it would be a life well spent, she deserves at least that. I want to publicly say how thankful I am for her in my life, and the everyday blessing she is in my life. Thank you Monica... you are my everything.

My Surgery

I wish I could go back from the beginning and explain it all... from the very first eye twitch to my first grand mal seizure where I ended up getting carried out of Alec's basement on a stretcher. But that would end up being a 200 page book, so I will just skip ahead to my surgery -- the turning point in everything. Basically I had been going through a really rough time with my epilepsy and I was starting to get really distraught. Every test was coming back negative, and I just kept getting put on more and more medications which were affecting my mood. This just upset me more and more , because all I wanted more than anything was to be able to regulate my emotions which with all this medicine flowing through me wasn't possible. 

So after all of this, I was starting to accept the fact that I might just have to live with these medications for the rest of my life and accept that this was just how life was supposed to be for me. I have always told myself I wouldn't complain when it came to my Epilepsy because I am very, very fortunate. There was one moment of many th

at sticks out in my head that kind of set things apart for me and kind of made me realize how blessed I really am. I was a minor when I started having seizures so I was going to Primary Childrens Hospital. Well, while in the waiting room, I was looking around and noticed a 10 year old in a weelchair with a helmet on and no motor functions staring off into the distance. On the ground to my right, a baby that couldn't be more than 2 was trying to crawl, but I learned later had already suffered a severe stroke from

 too many grand mals resulting in brain damage and couldn't get her arms to hold her up. Worst of all, I saw a mother carry her 14 year old son into the bathroom to throw up blood because he had such severe brain trauma he wouldn't make it to see his 18th birthday. And here I was, full motor functions, no dead brain tissue, and petit maul seizures. I didn't belong here, I didn't belong taking up precious time that could be spent helping the kids that really needed it, the ones that would be suffering their entire lives. 
So I never complained again, and I left that office with a new resolve to fight it no matter what and be an example to my friends and everyone I knew that I wasn't going to let Epilepsy decide what I could or could not do, which I had been doing all through high school. Well, I went in for a new test that I had been waiting about 6 months for my ins

urance to approve -- I can't remember the name but it is one they use on cancer patients. Oh, it is called a MEG scan. Anyway, they found something they hadn't before and wanted to operate but needed to be more sure they had the right spot so I had to go in for a consultation with a surgeon. So I go in and his name is Doctor House (go figure, right?) B

ut he is a really straight forward guy which I like, and we talk about risks and all that fun stuff and my mom starts to cry which kills me inside cause of course after having Epilepsy for this long I don't fear death at all. It is hard to explain... I never

 wished for it or anything but when you are having 20 seizures a day and your doctor tells you things will never change... it isn't something you are afraid of anymore ya know, the only thing that sucks is that you have people that care about you and you don't want to risk hurting them if something were to go wrong.

So he asks if I need time to think about it, and I tell him I am ready -- which I think kind of shocked him with how quick I was to answer, but anything would be better than what I was going through at that time in my life. So basically the procedure was to put me under, remove my skull, put electrodes directly on my brain, replace the skull, take me off the meds and watch me have seizures until they saw where exactly they were coming from... fun, right?
So I remember going under and waking up and feeling like someone had taken a jack hammer to my skull. Sadly, that wasn't the worst part. Almost immediately upon waking, I started to vomit because of the anesthesea which I didn't take well. I can't remember the next two days very well but there was a lot of swearing and throw up and blood. I do remember waking up and my mom standing next to me and squeezing my hand while I threw up a little blood, it was then I truly realized how much my mother cared for me. I have never given her a lot of credit, but through

 all my health problems she has always been there without question. And I have definetely put my family through the ringer when it comes to my health, but they have stood by me and seen me through this thing, and I couldn't ask for better people to have next to me while I have dealt with this. 


After I got over that initial shock I then was taken off my medicine very quickly. Usually this would have sent me into a frenzy of seizures but for some reason after 4 days I still hadn't had one. So they cut the meds off completely... the problem with that is it sent me into a grand mal which until that point in my life I had only experienced 2 of. For those of you that don't know, a grand mal is the most painful and deadliest type of seizure, it is full convulsion and it can cause brain damage and you can injure yourself from the severe convulsing. Lucky for me, I was in a hospital and it was as controlled as possible. Even though it was painful, after a couple of them the doctors got the reading they needed and were able to take me in for a second surgery to remove the piece of my dysfunctional brain. So after the second surgery, I went through another fun filled day of vomiting but by this point I had no lining on the inside of my throat so I didn't mind as much this time.



While in intensive care, I also met a family of survivors from the shotgun attack at Trolley Square. It is really amazing what tragedy can do to a family, and how it can bring them together. Their father had been killed and the two sons were severely injured, but the eldest who was two years older than me had been released right before I had been admitted. His brother was two rooms down from me and everyday he would stop by and check up on me and just talk. It just meant so much to see how positive he was when he had just lost his father and might lose his younger brother -- it reminded me of that promise I had made to myelf that I would never complain and helped keep me strong. Also, two other big inspirations were my neighbor Levi who I believe was admitted within a day or so of me, and my nurse. Levi was diagnosed with cancer and passed away just recently but he and I would check up on each other through our moms. For me, it just meant a lot to have him in the hospital with me fighting through something so much harder than I could have imagined, and yet he still took te time to ask about me and how I was doing and I dont think he will ever know what that meant to me. Secondly, I had the same nurse throughout most of the eleven days I was there. And he got me through the times when I was ready to give up. Whenever I needed help he was there, when my family wasnt around he was there --I have never had someone outside of my family care about me like that, and I will be forever grateful. There were so many people that made little gestures that meant so much and I will never forget them, from the blessing I received from my old bishop to my uncle Enoch & Troy bringing me x-box games, to my family coming almost everyday. It is an experience that made me who I am today and I wouldn't give my Epilepsy up if I could.